By Dickless Flakeslee
Whoa there! Looks like you’ve stumbled upon this god awful, terrible piece of writing barely containing the qualities a journalism. It’s amazing, really, the state in which we see the most popular writing. Are you looking for something as inconsequential as your 8-5 job? Something to distract you from the monotony of simple existence, even if only for the two minutes it takes you to read through this list? You and the rest of everyone on social media!
Here’s twelve facts to read and completely forget about. OK, actually you might remember one of them… the one about sea otters will blow your mind!
Laptop computers got their name because they are computers you can use on your lap.
Paper is made of wood (What?!)
Coffee is a natural diuretic.
Coffee shop bathrooms smell terrible.
God is simply a construct of a narcissistic psyche that lives in every human that can’t come to terms with the fact that everything we do will surmount to net zero. We are nothing beyond the minerals and sludge we leave behind. All will be erased, the universe is slowly creeping towards an inevitable heat death where everything you’ve loved and done will mean nothing and all life will cease to exist.
Swans have one mate for life!
Don’t drink coffee on a first date.
Often, these lists are so quickly thrown together that an editor doesn’t even properly look over the list to catch something as easy as counting how many items are on a list.
Kittens can’t open their eyes when they’re first born. Neither can I when I first wake up.
I thought my Ex-wife would have one mate for life… bitch.
If she still wants to hang out after you’ve had a cup of coffee, then she’s the one.
Umm… Fact 11 ⅜:
Desktop computers got their name because they are computers that sit on the top of your desk.
Fact 11 ½?:
AC/DC is an abbreviation for Alternating Current and Direct Current. It’s also the name of an Australian Rock Band.
Fact 11… again
This list contains no facts about otters. We just wanted to bait you into reading the whole thing.
Thomas Edison was an asshole.
And there you have it! Twelve facts you can show all of your friends. Or none of them, if you don’t have any. Now get back to work. Your boss is going to poke his head in your cubicle and I’m pretty sure you’re not getting paid to browse BuzzFeed. The only thing this godawful list is missing is having it divided into separate pages, forcing anyone foolish enough to want to read it to have to click on an arrow to the next page and close a stupid-ass popup that comes up every time advertising a new pharmaceutical drug that doctor’s hate that battles your yellow teeth (you know, kinda like brushing them) and you think about maybe getting it because sure why not? But it turns out it was a scam and some company in Thailand just stole your credit card information and you slowly begin to realize that the movie Idiocracy can no longer be labeled as satire.
Dickless Flakeslee is a clickbait journalist, a profession akin to selling snake oil. He’s an opportunist who simply sees writing as words on paper, and words useful only in how much money they can get him. He belittles people for being religious not because of any actual epiphany, but because the thought of eternity frightens him. He still has a LiveJournal account. He’s written for god-awful publications such as Gawker and BuzzFeed and Breitbart News Network.