By Dickless Flakeslee
Last night’s debate left America speechless after citizens lost for the third time in a row this election cycle. Experts are calling it an unprecedented string of events. Not since the Clinton/Bush Sr. election has anyone felt this completely destroyed when it came to political candidates. Disapproval ratings have reached record highs: Clinton sits at a safe 59% while Trump is at an astonishing 61%. Never in US history has disapproval rating been a better demonstration of candidate popularity.
Even President Barack Obama recognized the damaging effects of this election. This morning, the President signed his 236th executive order, mandating that all insurance companies provide access to anti-depressants. No doubt in response to last night’s debate.
“We usually win at least one.” Said Stuart Brown, a gay transgender coal worker living just outside of Chicago. “I can’t remember the last time I had to choose between a turd and a giant piece of shit. I feel like I’m choosing my cell phone providers all over again.”
And Stuart is not alone. Already, Alaskan Airlines has prepared themselves for the inevitable influx dejected American’s emigrating to Canada.
“We’ve purchased thirty-five more 787’s.” Said Barbara Baker, Alaskan Airline spokesperson. “The flights are expedited and include Canadian citizenship paperwork in the front pouch! We’ll also be giving Canadian Slang classes during the flight. It’s called ‘Wahts it all aboot, eh?’ We’re pretty happy about the name.”
Barbara went on to say that she’d be moving into a deep hole in her backyard and waiting the four year Presidency out.
But perhaps the most interesting side effects are those that are beneath the surface. Google search engine showed an increases in searches like, “Previous Guinness Book of World Records for world’s largest practical joke” and “How to build a bunker?” and “Signs of the second coming of Christ.” Already, 23% of retirement accounts have been liquidated. No doubt because Americans are stockpiling firearms, canned goods and bottled water.
Last week, Netflix moved the movie Mad Max: Fury Road from the “Science Fiction” category to “Documentaries.”
And Twitter buzzed with internet critique of the presidential candidates.
Staunch Hillary supporters posted thousands of #imwithher and #emailswhatemails? Turning a blind eye the same way a baby sitter tries to ignore a child’s affinity for eating their own boogers. And Trump enthusiasts tweeted #makeamericagreatagain and #wearethedeplorables—wearing the designation Hillary gave them like a badge of honor. Despite the fact that Anderson Cooper wasn’t present, the party followers further debased themselves by tweeting about Cooper’s sexual preferences with derogatory words, demonstrating Hilary’s point about them being a basket of deplorables. Sociologists call it the “self-fulfilling prophecy.” A decent human being calls it, “being an asshole.”
But perhaps the biggest debate topic the internet is buzzing about was Trump’s refusal to accept the results of the Presidential election. Some are calling it the iron and stubborn will of a tyrannical demagogue who refuses read the writing on the wall. Others believe it’s more akin to a flailing toddler refusing to go to bed at night.
For the rest of America, the 94% undecided, it doesn’t feel like a good end is in sight.
“It’s like watching someone’s parents fight.” Said Sarah Johnson, a high school student who’d be voting for the first time, “except one of them is a sociopathic liar and the other is an accused sex offender and I hate them.”
Indeed, 2016 feels less like an election year and more like poorly written political crime novel. Although for Americans, there’s no cliché nailbiter ending where the aging detective exposes the sinister political plot and saves the day. Instead, the novel ends with a spectacular train wreck where there are no survivors.
For the sake of sanity, Americans will be pleased to know that this is the last presidential “debate.”
Election/dooms day is on November 8th.
Dickless Flakeslee is part of the dejected generation of American disenfranchised by the inner workings of his government. He’s been voting for Ralph Nader every election touting the argument that his choice is his choice, ignoring the fact that he might as well light his ballot on fire every election: at least then it’d keep him warm. Someday he hopes one of his writings becomes just another Click-bait article on Facebook. Like the rest of his mid-twenties colleagues, he wants free education and healthcare. Not so much for the future, but rather he has no idea how he’s going to pay off his $60,000 of college debt working for free as a journalism intern at a no-name news organization.