By Dickless Flakeslee
With the growing trend of transitioning, unique, multilateral and complex relationships in our society, Facebook has decided to take things one step further. Last Tuesday, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, announced that his social media platform would be adding a new Relationship Status option.
“We’re very excited,” Says Zuckerberg, “It’s wonderful to know that we’re adding customization and an array of options that allow all of our users to feel like they’re adequately able to describe themselves. Next month, we’ll be adding the ‘Terminal Cat Owner’ relationship status to our platform.”
Facebook already has an array of options: Single, Married, In a Relationship and It’s Complicated (let’s be honest, what relationship isn’t?) to name a few. The social media tycoon is confident this new relationship status will cater to all sorts of post-divorce women looking for easier companionship.
And they’ll be taking it very seriously. Users won’t be able to change to the Terminal Cat Owner, or TCO, status unless they can provide photo evidence of their harem of cats or various holiday themed cat outfits.
“We feel it’ll create a core group of individuals,” Says Zuckerberg, “not elitist, rather reclusive. Like cats.”
Already the internet is buzzing with responses to the new relationship status. #BabygotCat, #ACatForEveryEx and #CatLitterCoupons trended on twitter yesterday after the announcement. One twitter user responded to Zuckerberg’s tweet saying, “Who needs companionship when you have a soft, cuddly, clawed sociopath? #TCO.”
PETCO even offered discounts on cat food if users can come in and prove their status is TCO.
The category is one predominantly populated by middle aged women, but that doesn’t stop the younger generation. Cat owners susceptible to dressing up their feline friends will now have their relationship status automatically updated to Terminal Cat Owner, thanks to Facebook’s new TCO Algorithm. As always, Facebook is very close handed about their algorithms, but they did say it’s directly related to the amount of cat statuses or photos users upload.
“This is wonderful,” Forum poster, MyKittyismyMeowMeow, said on an obscure cat forum for 35 year old man-children, “It’s about time they recognized that the lifestyle I live is a choice, and not soul destroying loneliness, where life’s hard edges are only slightly dulled with every cat I purchase. I’m not lonely!”
When we asked 87 year old Betty Cloon, owner of thirteen cats (that she’s aware of), how she felt about the change, she responded, “That seems nice. But I can’t remember my password.”
But not all Facebook users are happy about the change. A recent Facebook group was put together in opposition to the new relationship status. What started as a small group of “Christians” supporting the Presidential Candidate Donald Trump exploded into something much bigger. The Facebook group now boasts over 20,000 members, and it claims that the new relationship status is not only weird, but flat out blasphemous.
Their message is made clear and simple in the ‘About’ section of their Facebook group: “America has always been a Dog country. Why does it have to be cats? Trump has made it clear, he is a Dog person. And frankly, we don’t care that Jesus taught grace, kindness and patience, we don’t like people different from us, and we certainly don’t need those options on Facebook. These are the types of issues that Jesus was crucified for.”
They go by the name Trump Workers Advocating Theology, or T.W.A.T. for short.
“I’ve been a T.W.A.T. for a while,” Gary Shipper said to our reporter yesterday. “Probably even before this group started, or even before Trump decided to run for presidency, so I think that’s why it’s resonated so much with me. This whole Facebook change goes against everything in the church and the bible and is frankly un-American. It’s a slippery slope, what’s next? A relationship status where we marry a prize gourd? It’s movements like this that are ruining America. It’s why we need people like Trump in office.”
While the change won’t roll through until Octember the First, people all over Facebook and other social media sites are already advocating for the change. And whether you’re against it or for it, it’s nice to know that Facebook is looking out for their user base. They’ve made a clear statement that everyone is entitled to their lifestyle, even if it includes a room-sized litter box and a couch full of cat hair.
And isn’t that what America is about?
Dickless Flakeslee is a freelance columnist for various newspapers around the country. His work has been featured in places like My York is Newer than Your “New” New York Newspaper, and Waxed Mustached Mustachios, and How to Be a Man and Suck at it and Cosmopolitan. He hates writing, but he loves money, so he’s found a compromise. If you liked this article and want to read more like it, you can find similar quality in a household garbage can.