By Dickless Flakeslee
Have you ever done something that’s bad for you? Do you like to do detrimental things for your health for brief moments of fulfillment? Let me rephrase that, are you human? We all do it, it’s not good for us, but it is nice. We’re told not to do it, or at least show moderation.
But that’s about to change.
A recent study came out—conducted by a group of men and women in white lab coats with goggles in a room housed with neon liquid filled beakers and Bunsen burners—that provides evidence that your vice is not only OK, but good for you.
“It’s an amazing discovery,” Dr. Roberts Robertson from University of Phoenix said, “For years we’ve been feeling bad about all the stupid things we do, but this clearly shows us that it’s good for us.” He finished his statement by saying, “I can’t wait for some clickbait article to pick this up and share it all over Facebook.”
No doubt Dr. Roberts Roberson has tears in his eyes, as this recent scientifically backed, totally not fabricated or over exaggerated discovery flooded social media.
“Finally,” One woman commented on Facebook, “I can let my kids watch TV for two hours while I enjoy a martini and read a book and not feel bad about it.”
Another man was reported to click the “Like” button on the article shared on Facebook. He didn’t click “Share”, probably because he was too busy going to the bathroom without washing his hands.
One teacher shared a picture of a pint of beer he had just ordered. It was 10pm, on a school night. Clearly taking his health into consideration after this new discovery.
Evidence, theory, backing, research and logical thesis are still to be released by University of Phoenix’s science team. In an official statement from the Dean, he shared he’d release the information as soon as the University created a science department.
But for the rest of the world, evidence doesn’t matter. All that matters is they now feel good. A blog on the internet told them it was OK. What else do they need?
So what’s next for us? Live free of guilt. Drink that second glass of red wine; it’s good for your heart.
Addicted to coffee? Not anymore, caffeine protects you from type 2 diabetes and protects your family from you when you’re going through withdrawals.
Spend too much time watching Netflix? Sit in a pile of your own filth, watching the hours turn to days, days to weeks and weeks turn to months? Feel like you’re losing control as Netflix queues up the next episode without asking, knowing you have nothing better to do? Don’t fret! It’s good for you. You’re cultured from all those documentaries you watch.
Dr. Robert Robertson finished his statement by sharing the psychology department’s groundbreaking work on stress relief through murder. We tried to get an official statement from University of Phoenix’s Psychology Department but it didn’t seem to exist. We’ll have to wait until our in-laws share the article and tag three of their friends with a caption saying, “There’s a few people in this world I’d like to snuff out to relieve some stress. 😉 😉 😉 ”
Until then, we’ll have to wait, with bated breaths and meat cleavers in our hands. For now, go out there and do whatever!
Remember: it’s good for you. Someone on the internet it was, so it must be true.
Dickless Flakeslee is a writer for BloggersBloggospherBlogSpotBlog. He’s been writing for three days, but feels entitled to his opinions the same way a child feels entitled to presents on his birthday. He has no idea what he’s talking about, but that doesn’t matter: he’s paid for a domain name and has a flashy-ish website that makes him seem professional. And for the rest of the world, that’s enough.