My first run-in with a malicious governing body happened when I was a child.  My parents, the bastards, made me eat steamed zucchini.  Which, frankly, tasted like boogers and didn’t have any sugar in them.  As a child, I was certain my parents were trying to poison me, or at the very least punish me.

I think about this whenever I see zucchinis in the produce section.  I thought about it the other day at the Ashland Food Co-op.  I was grabbing some apples (a healthy food that has sugar in it, Mom) and got to witness an Ashland local talking at a Co-op employee about how masks are helping create a super virus.

Yesterday, while working, I served hundreds of people and had to wear a mask for 12 hours.  Every day, people look at me and shake their head, a sardonic grin spreading across their face as they tell me with complete conviction, “You know it’s about compliance, and not safety, right?”

I hadn’t thought about that.  And now that I do, I bet you are right.  This isn’t about health—it’s a government conspiracy.  What’s crazy about this government conspiracy, is that it’s not just local or federal government, but a global conspiracy.  All the other countries are in on it, too.  This whole pandemic is blown out of proportion. 

“When we wear a mask, we lose our identity and it’s just the first part in becoming sheep.”  A man tells me wearing a red cap.  Huh, I always thought becoming sheep came in the form of, I don’t know, our cell phones, social media, and a 24 hour news cycles but, no, you have it correct: a piece of cloth is just the sort of thing that our founding fathers fought for.

In all honesty, I’d love to talk about it some more.  Who cares if there’s a line of people behind you just trying to sit down and enjoy a beer outside?  Please tell me more about the Chinese virus and how it was created to make our president look bad.  I won’t go anywhere.  Literally, I must stand here and listen to you until you leave.  It’s part of my job description.

You know what this whole thing makes me wonder?  Where does the conspiracy stop?  I mean, if the masks aren’t just a simple and easy way to slow the spread of a highly infection virus that kills people with compromised immune systems, then what the hell is up with seatbelts, anyway?  It’s my right as an American to choose.  I don’t want my future children to grow up in a tyranny where government gets to tell them what to do.  Who cares if their lifeless, unseatbelted body flies around the car as it rolls off the road and kills the rest of the passengers following safety guidelines?  Freedom has a cost.

Also, licenses and building codes for running restaurants are a real burden.  It costs a lot to maintain our refrigeration and when it goes down, the growth of bacteria only happens sometimes so why do kitchens need to keep things cold all the time?  And why are we trying to raise other people’s children, anyway?  If a mom comes in and wants to serve her toddler a long island iced tea so they can get a second nap in, who am I to impose on their sovereign, independent rights?

I don’t really know how medicine works, but part of being an American is deciding that ignorance shouldn’t be taken into account when formulating a opinion.  So here’s another thing: since I’m wearing a mask all day that surely keeps you, the antimasker, safe.  Only one of us needs to wear a mask, really. I think that’s how headlights work, too, so I’m going to start driving around town with mine off.

Most of all, I’m thankful to have the constant opportunity to be educated by people without any solicitation.  You know what’s crazy, not a single nurse or doctor has told me that masks are useless.  I bet they’re in on it too. It always seems to be someone that has no formal educated on the subject.  I’m thankful that even the laymen can see through the global conspiracy.

And I want to say this once and for all: your right to not wear a mask is something worth dying for—someone might do it for you.  The mild inconvenience you feel for having to wear a mask while you shop in the Ashland Food Co-op, immeasurably outweighs the sort of good it can do for your community’s health.  It might seem like the danger of having that sort of opinion could be high, but it’s worth the risk.

While we’re at it, let’s throw a few more in there: vaccines cause autism, the government is seeding us all with mind control juice from chemtrails, crystals can cure depression, white people do look good in dreadlocks, MSG tastes great and unfortunately gives you brain tumors, green smoothies fix hemorrhoids and your laundry detergent’s suggested level is way higher than it needs to be, so they can make sure you’re buying more detergent.  Let’s pull the wool from over our eyes, people, and see the world for what it really is: revolving around us.  Stand firm in your opinion, especially the one that you’ve created after reading one or two blogs written by a stay at home parent who never went to medical school.

Do what I did, when I first ran into a governing body that was malevolent and wanted me to suffer under the guise of health: resist.  Purse your lips, squint your eyes, turn away and cross your arms.  Whatever you do, do not look at reality in the face.  Shake your head uncontrollably if you must.  Should it come to it, throw yourself from your highchair.  Cry out against the oppressors and fight against them.  Pound your fists on the ground, kick your legs and refuse to listen.

By any means necessary, do not eat the zucchini.